내 머리 속의 지우개, REMEMBER

I haven't update my blog for the past 2 weeks already. I know. I was lazy, and want to enjoy my holiday you know.

As i was about to post, something came up that revamp my whole mood on blogging. I was sad and tired.

I was discriminated harshly and i felt i couldn't bare it anymore, and the thought of ending my life just keep appearing in my mind. 2 days ago my mom asked me this question after she talk to my brother on the phone. Well i heard the conversation and i was prepared that she will asked the "it" question.

She came right out and confronted to me after hanging up the phone. "Are you gay?" she asked. I replied "Why do you suddenly say that?"

In matter of fact, she can't control it anymore and she started to insult me using all the harsh, dirty, nasty words toward me. My hearts shattered into pieces when i heard those words and i swallowed my tears, dare not to say how hurtful i am. It was unbearable yet i have to endure it like i am piece of shit. While she throwing the words i said "I'm Not".

Yar..., you can say i chicken out. Being open to friends are a lot easier than to close families. She said a lot of things than when you heard as a son, it so fatal. TOTAL K.O.

She said these word:

• Why you come back late from college? Creaming with other guys in college is it? Toilet?
• How you play with boys? Teach me.. I'm not educated
• You don't want face, i want... shame on you
• Gau Gay You!!!
• If you do play, I'll die.. let me die.. rather than seeing you..
• I rather loose a son like you, if you were good filial son also i rather not to have you...
• All you friends are problematic, got mental problem
• Mixed with girls go pondan (sissy), with guys go gay
• Don't let me call you gay as a nickname
• Even your relatives, auntie say you look like a girl.. how ashamed i was you know..
• Go become gay whore... duck
• Take your bags and leave this house
  

I was about to hit my head on the wall in front of her. I was so shattered about the accusation she threw to me, and my friends. The way she said it was like i have no dignity at all. It was I'm like a whore. She even tell me to sell my body.

At the same time, i was so mad at her also. Throwing those words, making me want to puke at her. My friends have nothing to do with my sexuality preference. She has always been the "hard to satisfied member" in the family. None of the thing that can satisfied her, she complains, mumble, crap like a non stop recorder. When she is in bad mood, she ventures her anger at me mostly.

I swallowed my tears and stayed strong not to shed any tears on front of her all day.I cried that night. I cried in my room alone. I prayed and cry. It is not i want to be. I didn't want to choose this path to walk. I tried changing but it simply does not work. I only had GOD with me. I pray and i pray...

I was even thinking of the future, will she accept me when i confessed out? will she meet my future boy friend that i love? will she accept the relationship?

will she....?

The story begins with Daigo Kobayashi, a devoted cellist in an orchestra that has just been dissolved and who is suddenly left without a job. Daigo decides to move back to his old hometown with his wife to look for work and start over.

He answers a classified ad entitled "Departures" thinking it is an advertisement for a travel agency only to discover that the job is actually for a "Nokanshi" or "encoffineer," a funeral professional who prepares deceased bodies for burial and entry into the next life.

While his wife and others despise the job, Daigo takes a certain pride in his work and begins to perfect the art of "Nokanshi," acting as a gentle gatekeeper between life and death, between the departed and the family of the departed. The film follows his profound and sometimes comical journey with death as he uncovers the wonder, joy and meaning of life and living.

So many times and so long already.. Gosh i wish i can do something about it. I hate it every time it started and it will keep going on like a tape being replay again and again. It never missed. It never stops. Just keeps making the same thing again and again.

I told to my parents so many times and they replied " Bare with it. " and i did, but this time around, my border for my patience have just being crossed. Its been 4 nights and that stupid dog just keep barking every hour. Don't know bark what.

At day it keeps quite but at night it starts to bark. Bark, bark, bark...BARK!!

I already have 4 sleepless night (((゜д゜;))) and its torturing. I don't deserve this insomnia punishment. \(T.T)/

If it is still keeps on at this pace, my mood ain't getting any better and most important is my face. I fell i want to throw my tantrum at that doggie now. (^-^)/(((((((((●～*

I tried many methods to sleep with that barking at the background.


八(＾□＾*) 나는 기도한다. I just pray i still can sleep and won't turn to be the person on the picture.
I'm so sleepy now....

Now it has been 3 days only after my finals had ended. I have approximately near to 3 weeks break ++ to enjoy, party all day and night long.

Well, back to my related topic. Yesterday night for my dinner, i stumble across a group of men in their exercise clothing plus their sweats. They were eating and chatting among themselves. Not long later, a guy started to have puff after the dinner. Literally meaning to start smoking.

A little thing about me is that i hate people who smokes. (｀へ´)

I don't hate that people, is just only when he/she starts to smoke in front of me. So whatever you do, just don't smoke in front of me. If you do, well you can see my survivor instinct starts to kick in. What is it?
Well first my crystal clear annoying looked starts to show as clear as it can be, then i starts to take tissue's to cover my nose, after that i get restless, last then if i can't bear with it anymore i would just leave the place.

So practically and in reality that's what i do. Right where i was seating, i was in a middle of two tables, where they smoke. Right only after dinner. I can't escape and i barely can breathe in that thick air of smoke.(￣＾￣)
2 guys smoke three sticks of cigarettes like in less than 30 minutes.



If you want to die early, go ahead but don't drag a cutie like me together with you. 제발?

The group, 샤이니 is finally back, after a 4 months break, after ending their promotions for their first album package which ended in January 2009. With their latest mini-album titled "Romeo" released, their come back are even stronger now.

The song that are playing in my blog now are track number 5.

They were supposed to be debut on stage 2 weeks ago but due to Onew, the leader injury, and the President accident, the stage were forced to pull back until this week.


Seeing them crying remind me of them winning the best new male group award back 2007 at Mnet KM Music Festival in Japan. They were up against new groups from JYP entertainment 2AM, 2PM, and others like Mighty Mouth and more.


Shinee’s performance stage was also beautiful and colorful which showed how much KBS has prepared. Shinee was up against SeeYa&Davichi&T-ara’s Women’s Generation and Super Junior’s It’s You and the winner was…

my finals is this week OTL ... Received my pass for entrance to the hall last week.

Will not be posting anything in 2 weeks time.

If you see any post coming up it is all scheduled post.. (b^-^)b >good?<

I want the finals to be over so badly...

So stay tune. Don't go anywhere. (^_-)☆ >wink<