내 머리 속의 지우개, REMEMBER

The phone rang on the Saturday informing my family members that my eldest uncle to my father side is critical in the hospital. He passed away peacefully to heaven to be with Lord on the Sunday morning at 3 something.

The funny thing is i have never see him before till 5 months ago. To be frank it was my second time seeing him in the hospital. My first meeting with him was in his own home when our relatives inform us to visit him. That was my first..
I was kinda sad and pity to see him in his condition in the ward. When i called him, he can't even opened his eyes as his eyes was like gold fish. Only what i can hear was his heaving breathing, grasping for air with a support of machine.

There are quite a lot of member in the family line that i don't even know. What to say... My family had never went back to meet them because of family past.. After i see by myself, it was prejudice and timid thinking from my own family holding back to meet them. They are actually nice in my eyes, yet my mom said one of the cousin is "sombong" but i don't see it in them after talking to them. She was funny by the way and sporting.

What i can tell that, past family generation problems or conflicts do not bring it over to the new generation and implanted them with seeds of prejudice, hatred, anger and etc. That is what my mom and my elder brother did to me. I thought they were that cruel people. It was contradicting. However they are still family. Family will have quarrels or fights...

past is past.. see the new light above us.. it's so nice..

Today when lunch with the family, i saw my aunt wanted to combine the table together. When one of my uncle wife say it will not fit 16 people if combine. Yet my aunt insisted. I understand and know her intention for goodness she did. Unfortunately the table still need to be separated, i could see her disappointment.

Even seeing him twice, there is the sense of regret of not knowing my uncle after hearing the only one testimony by one of the family friend. To summarize up:

-He is our Dai Gor in our group back in Taiping
-He brought all his siblings come to KL and take care of them
-I remember that he gave me one of his mazda toy car when i was small
-He loves to play mahjong with my parents

Life is funny.. We were born and we will die.. Life is short.
He was single. No friends as he was young he sells of his MAS shares and got the huge return which he spends to buy the new house in PJ in the early 70's or 80's and retired thereafter.

Seeing the casket screwed sealed and being pushed in to the crematory, my tears in the eyes starts to flow. I could see behind the sunglasses of my dad, his eyes were red but he doesn't shed his tears. This is my first time seeing my dad that way. Maybe guys are mostly masculine typo.. Man do not shed tears or you will be called pussy(theory) or man with boobs..

At the burning area, his casket pushed in, and opened a few inch for us to watch the casket burned, the sense of regret is there.. If i could knew him.. If i could just knew him..

Thanks to the lord. May lord be with him in the heaven. Rest in peace in the arms of Jesus Uncle.
Amen.