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I haven't update my blog for the past 2 weeks already. I know. I was lazy, and want to enjoy my holiday you know.
As i was about to post, something came up that revamp my whole mood on blogging. I was sad and tired.
I was discriminated harshly and i felt i couldn't bare it anymore, and the thought of ending my life just keep appearing in my mind. 2 days ago my mom asked me this question after she talk to my brother on the phone. Well i heard the conversation and i was prepared that she will asked the "it" question.
She came right out and confronted to me after hanging up the phone. "Are you gay?" she asked. I replied "Why do you suddenly say that?"
In matter of fact, she can't control it anymore and she started to insult me using all the harsh, dirty, nasty words toward me. My hearts shattered into pieces when i heard those words and i swallowed my tears, dare not to say how hurtful i am. It was unbearable yet i have to endure it like i am piece of shit. While she throwing the words i said "I'm Not".
Yar..., you can say i chicken out. Being open to friends are a lot easier than to close families. She said a lot of things than when you heard as a son, it so fatal. TOTAL K.O.
She said these word:
- Why you come back late from college? Creaming with other guys in college is it? Toilet?
- How you play with boys? Teach me.. I'm not educated
- You don't want face, i want... shame on you
- Gau Gay You!!!
- If you do play, I'll die.. let me die.. rather than seeing you..
- I rather loose a son like you, if you were good filial son also i rather not to have you...
- All you friends are problematic, got mental problem
- Mixed with girls go pondan (sissy), with guys go gay
- Don't let me call you gay as a nickname
- Even your relatives, auntie say you look like a girl.. how ashamed i was you know..
- Go become gay whore... duck
- Take your bags and leave this house
At the same time, i was so mad at her also. Throwing those words, making me want to puke at her. My friends have nothing to do with my sexuality preference. She has always been the "hard to satisfied member" in the family. None of the thing that can satisfied her, she complains, mumble, crap like a non stop recorder. When she is in bad mood, she ventures her anger at me mostly.
I swallowed my tears and stayed strong not to shed any tears on front of her all day.I cried that night. I cried in my room alone. I prayed and cry. It is not i want to be. I didn't want to choose this path to walk. I tried changing but it simply does not work. I only had GOD with me. I pray and i pray...
I was even thinking of the future, will she accept me when i confessed out? will she meet my future boy friend that i love? will she accept the relationship?
will she....?
4 gifts of hearts:
Hey ~ ending your life can't solve anything ..
and you are not chicken out !!
Well , my mum found out mine too and send me to see those psychology doc...Is really hard !!
I'm going through something almost like you ...
or not !!!
Since you told your mum you are not ..right ??
So you just focus on your study and everything you should ....try to clear out this issue and try not to touch it in your family ..
I think you are still young to coming out !!!
What can you do now is calm down and don't thinking so much !!
Talk to someone or your friend that very close to you...so they can console you !!!
I'm sorry for those thing that happen on you...
Cheers Up ~
It's not easy for your mom to accept you as you are, at least for the time being. But just give her some time. Sad to say the more she loves you the harder it's going to be for her to accept who you are. Ever watched the movie Prayers for Bobby? Might help if your mother watches it lol
Just try to remember that when she's screaming those insane words, she actually does love you loads and that she needs to and wants to understand you.
It's going to be hard, but God will pull you through. He loves you and so does the many people around you.
Will be praying for you so stay strong and smile more :)
well i just happen to pass by and read ur story. well in any case, she will find out 1 day. soon or later that matters. since you are now still dependent to her to live, you'll just have to abide by and continue living till you are independent and live ur own life. meanwhile you have to stay positive and communicate with ur mama not only to strengthen your bonds but to open her eyes to the community perception of being like us. its not easy and any simple wrong doing might end up crying more. i had my mama known and i manage to cope. u believe in god and that what makes u persevere. i cant wish u god bless or anything sort coz i dun believe in it. but i can wish u good luck and keep it up.
press on, like the mountain in the wind
[Jino] - A man's not a man unless he knows how to shoot
Just happened to drop by too. I understand how distressing it is to be turned your back on by someone so close to you especially it's something significant and apprehensive.
We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. it takes time to accept something especially it's capriciously out of the norm. Hence, give her some time and at the same time, try to accept and understand her rationale of reaction too.
stay strong =)
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